objects, people and places

I find that I am in a constant state nostalgia, not bad nor sad nostalgia, but just a longing which casts an idealistic hallow on the object of affection whatever it is, while realizing one can't possess it again. Today* I look up Saudade in a dictionary, I had come across the term in listening to Portuguese Fado, Cape Verdean Coladeras and Brazilian Jazz, I find that it describes my state of mind perfectly "The famous Saudade of the Portuguese is a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present, a turning towards the past or towards the future; not an active discontent or poignant sadness but an indolent dreaming wistfulness"


As I read a friend's reflections on friends coming and going, I remembered a day distant in my memory, almost 7 months ago, when I had to pack one of the most colorful years of my existence into a couple of suitcases and a cardboard box...

A Mexican sombrero found in the street after a great reggae concert
Trinkets bought at the Sunday market
A fridge magnet holding a note reminding us to pay our share in grocery shopping
Movies we stayed in to watch
Books bought with gift coupons from my favorite bookshop
A collage that took forever to make, with pictures from different cities, done to match its pair a poster with a zillion shawls, and both harmoniously forming a rainbow volcano-earth-grass-trees-sun-sky-clouds rainbow
Study notes with in-class gossip scribbled in the margins
Rugs and cushions brought in to make my room more living-roomish
A tea-ball attached to a miniature midnight blue kettle sprinkled with golden stars and crescents
A scrabble board which had to keep us company until dawn
My lucky bike which remained tied to a tree for weeks on end in a city where anything can be stolen
An old jar of Nuttela that caused disappointment time after time to a chocoholic friend as he found it was just my sugar bowl

All witnesses to endless stories and smiles. Deciding what to keep, what to sell, what to give away, what to leave with friends in hope of returning someday, was sheer agony.

As much as packing all my belongings at the end of the journey caused confusion, it wasn't as great as the confusion that packing before the journey stirred. What object would contain memories that would keep me company the most? What would remind me of places and people at home without causing too much nostalgia? I decide on a few cherished objects and farewell gifts from my friends

Verses of Salah Jahin poems scribbled on coasters
My favorite black and white movie, esha3et 7ob
A Bedouin mirror
A puppet wearing a t-shirt that says "always on my mind"
(my bookmarks collection I had to leave behind)
Throws with Arab designs in blue and white from Khayameya, a place I always miss
A Bedouin outfit complete with burqa
An earring (a kirdaan) in silver and tourmaline from my favorite designer, a gift from once soulmate

The thought of moving again confuses me, the objects I'd like to take would struggle to contain all the perfect moments I am blessed with now. For how can one capture (especially if one never takes photos) days with just the right energy, weather, lighting, company, conversation, laughs, surprises or just times of recollection in the comfort of one's home. It'd start at silly gifts we exchanged on new year's (maybe pegs) and would end at my beloved bean bag... I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Fear of moving on from a setting in which we found happiness, fear of going back to a place of which we have created an ideal memory or quite the contrary, fear of letting go of short-lived perfection, refusing to close circles and living in denial ... I recall my friend's insistence on closing circles, and Paulo Coelho's words come to mind (I am not a fan but these words made sense) "It is always important to know when something has reached its end.Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over..."

Though not irreplaceable, each person or spot we walk away from (because of distance or of our own will) takes a bit of us away and leaves in us clear traces... so we keep on changing like splashes of oil paint on a palette, mixing and metamorphosing, the blue turns green and the red orange and if they both cross again they may not give the shade of purple which they once gave...but they'll live

Still, on evenings like this, when reminders like this post hit you, you are very prone to suffer pangs of nostalgia. You are filled with a longing which causes you to cast a hallow of perfection on your past, bit by bit you create a space you can run when your imperfect present starts baring its teeth.

I feel that the soundtrack to my life in the past couple of years is Chambao's album Caminando of which the general theme is wandering, leaving to search for the unknown, getting lost, getting to know one's self during the journey, realizing the futility of wandering without direction, going back more enlightened to find reconciliation and joy, and then share tales of the journey.

PS: forgive me if this post is a bit schizophrenic, it was updated on different days (and accordingly under different mood swings)
* this paragraph updated 2 weeks after the blog entry was made

More Songs:
-Fairouz and a song about simple longing of which the object is unknown; a nostalgia so overwhelming that it makes her realize she has not forgotten people she thought long forgotten أنا عندي حنين
-Volver, a classic re-invented by Estrella Morente, going back to places and reencounters with the past
- Que reste-'t'il de nos amours, Dalida sings: what remains of our love? a photo, a memory, a wilting happiness perhaps?

Photos:
-A few of my favorite things (photos by Andrea, Pancho and Myself)
-Lions at Kasr El Nil Bridge, Cairo and Lions at estanco del Retiro, Madrid (I took those)